A Lesson In Rock Horns

Can we talk about rock horns for a minute? I think there's some misunderstandings out there that need to be cleared up. I've seen too many badly executed rock horns recently and it has to be stopped.

In my humble opinion, the proper rock horn is a fist with the index and pinky fingers fully extended. The horns then have to be pointed upwards at a minimum 45 degree angle. If desired, you can also include a hardcore facial expression as part of the presentation. You'll notice that in this position, the horns can also symbolize devil horns, and we all know the connections between the devil and the loud rock music, or at least I certainly hope so... If you don't, just go back to whatever it was you were doing.

My problem with rock horns is that some mutants also choose to include the extended tumb as part of the presentation. This is not a rock horn!!! Correct me if I'm wrong, but would that not be the American Sign Language sign for "I Love You"? That's not very rock if you ask me. The devil would not be proud, and therefore the thumb cannot be a part of the rock horn presentation.

Now, once the proper presentation of the rock horn is mastered, you can move on to more complicated horns. One example is the "Too Much Rock For One Hand" horn. In this rock horn, close both your hands into fists and fully extend only the pinky finger on each hand. Then bring your hands together so that your thumbs and indexes are touching. Raise the horn above your head, include hardcore facial expression if desired.

Another example is the "Rock Lock". For this you need a partner. One person executes a proper rock horn as described above. The second person closes one hand into a fist, then fully extends the middle and ring fingers. Then, the second person inserts their fingers between the first person's rock horns, and you each must lock your fingers around your partners hand and voila! You have successfully shared the power of rock! Once again, use hardcore facial expressions as desired. The Rock Lock works best if you use the hand opposite that of your partner's, i.e. one person use the left hand, the other use the right.

Please take the time to practice your rock horn technique before throwing horns in public. Practice your facial expressions in front of a mirror, should you choose to use them. Rock is a serious business and the last thing you want to do is show the (much bigger) mosher in the pit beside you that you love him with a goofy grin on your face while Tool, System or Metallica is killing on stage.

Thank you for indulging me. I hope rock horns in clubs and arenas everywhere will be better presented and understood. If you have another more advanced rock horn manoeuvre, please share. I have a few more I can explain if requested.

The Day The Music Died

I was in downtown Ottawa today watching the beginning of the end for the Capital Music Hall. When I left about one third of the building was demolished, the rest will be gone by the end of the day tomorrow. Though I made lots of jokes about the place and there were some moments I’d rather not remember, overall it was a pretty decent place to work. We had some great shows, amazing bands and a good space to work in, something that’s all too rare in the club world. In the end I feel I come out of it in a better position than when I went in. I opened lots of doors, met lots of people, worked with bands that have gone on to win Grammy’s and other high profile awards, got some touring gigs and started making more money.

 

That being said, there will be a New Capital Music Hall, but it will never be the same. Everything that was good about the place is gone with the old building. It’ll be a lot smaller and the workspace will be very cramped; my world will be so small that my head will touch the ceiling. Some of the bullshit we had to deal with will still be there. There will never be a semi and two busses behind the venue. We’re not going to have anymore high profile shows like Mot√∂rhead or Black Eyed Peas. We used to do shows where my eyes would shoot out of my head when I saw the listings. It was pretty exciting looking forward to the Thursday morning updates. That’s not going to happen anymore and it’s probably what I’ll miss most about the old place. It was an opportunity to be a part of something bigger that you usually don’t get in club settings. Guess we’ll see where it goes…

 

On another note, I did notice one thing about the demolition that put a couple things in perspective. I could not believe the horrible sounds coming out of the building as the walls were torn apart. Concrete getting crushed, steel beams twisting, glass breaking… This is just a small scale, very controlled demolition. I couldn’t help but think of how powerful the sounds must have been in NYC on Sept. 11^th.

 

Now, I’m not one of the people that was completely torn apart and affected by that tragedy; I never spoke of it beyond sharing headlines with friends. I in no way mean to lessen the impact of it nor do I mean to disrespect those who were affected by it on a personal level. It’s just not something I could comprehend at the time; I had never been to the city and I had not yet had any experiences with the death of a family member. Since then, I’ve been to the city a couple times, I’ve seen Ground Zero and I was able to understand a bit more, and I saw people grieve at the site. That experience definitely put a more personal touch on it. However, it’s not until I heard those sounds today that it really hit me. I saw something of not even 1% of the size of Ground Zero get demolished and the sounds sent a chill down my spine. It is absolutely impossible, under any circumstance, to be able to comprehend what the people of NYC went though that morning. I can’t even imagine what today would have sounded like had it been 10 times bigger, not to mention 500 times (and I honestly don’t think that’s an exaggeration, the number is probably even higher than that), and if it were an uncontrolled explosion! ¬†It’s amazing anyone survived at all. I’ll definitely have a new perspective on things the next time I’m in New York.